Kittens, it’s been a week since Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital for some as-yet-undisclosed problem. But the fact that it is, in fact, as-yet-undisclosed hasn’t tamped down the rumor mill; on the contrary, dear Demi’s medical emergency seems to have sparked a flurry of inspiration and, dare Meanie say, creativity. For the stories about the circumstances surrounding the hospitalization have been steadily growing more and more bizarre, don’t you think, kittens? Of course Meanie is wishing Demi a speedy recovery; however, it is doubtful that all these rampant rumors are helping her get well soon. In an attempt to clear the air a bit, let’s examine each rumor a little more closely, shall we?

1. Exhaustion

This, kittens, is the official story. According to a statement released by Demi’s PR people, "Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends." And kittens, this does sound rather reasonable; after all, the last few months have no doubt been difficult for Demi, what with her cheating husband, the end of her marriage, and the constant scrutiny of her life by the media. Plenty of others have burned themselves out before Demi, and plenty of others will burn themselves out after her. Perhaps some good old-fashioned R&R is just what the doctor ordered. Preferably with a couple of handsome young pool boys and a ready supply of drinks with little umbrellas in them.

2. Seizure

This one does also appear to be at least somewhat true. The 911 call Demi’s friends made on her behalf revealed that the actress was apparently “convulsing,” as well as that she was “burning up” with some sort of fever. Was it a full-on seizure? Unclear. However, something was clearly wrong, it involved some troublesome shaking, and it is most certainly a good thing that the paramedics got there when they did (even if they weren’t, in fact, a couple of handsome young pool boys).

3. Anorexia

Another theory purports that Demi is suffering from anorexia. Given how painfully thin she has looked during recent public appearances, this also may have a grain of truth. It is likely that if she IS suffering from an eating disorder of some kind, it was brought about by the dissolution of her marriage. Or, as the butler mused to Meanie over her coffee this morning, perhaps it is simply a symptom of the “exhaustion” mentioned earlier: It might not be full-on anorexia, but perhaps her appetite has vanished due to stress, subsequently leading to the loss of dangerous amounts of weight. Now pardon Meanie while she goes and has a word with the chef about getting a hamper full of gourmet sandwiches to Demi.

Read Mean Betty Wonders Would You Bury a Relative in a Storage Unit?

4. She “Smoked Something”

This one goes back to the 911 call, so perhaps this one has some truth to it as well. According to the call she “smoked something”—not marijuana, but something similar to “incense.” Why one would ever want to smoke incense is beyond Meanie, but there you have it. Mayhap Demi had an extremely bad reaction to whatever recreational herb she chose to inhale.

5. Whip-It

This, Meanie gathers, is what the kids are doing these days: Inhaling the nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream. This… seems somewhat unlikely, given that “whip-its” are usually the territory of teenagers who can’t get ahold of anything stronger. Why would someone of Demi’s age, status, and (let’s face it, kittens) wealth resort to such a cheap thrill, when in all likelihood she would very easily be able to acquire better, more effective forms of chemical wackiness? Then again, the Tale of the Whip-It is nowhere within the 911 call; whether it’s because it was edited out before the tape was released or because it was never there in the first place remains to be seen.

6. Adderall

The plot—and the absurdity—thickens. According to Radar Online, “Demi has been taking Adderall and drinking energy drinks and starving herself and those are some of the serious cuases that led to her collapse.” Demi’s rep, however, refused to give any more information beyond the previously released statement. Also, Meanie would like to point out that the “Demi has been taking Adderall” sentence is a terrible run-on and therefore a little difficult to believe.

7. Red Bull

Red Bull? Really?? Granted, Red Bull can have rather an adverse effect on a body when consumed in large quantities, but… well… RED BULL???

In conclusion:

Once we’ve lined up all the rumors, it seems that the ones most likely to be true are numbers 1 through 4. Either there is evidence in the 911 call for them, or they are logical conclusion to draw given how Demi’s life has been lately. Numbers 5, 6, 7, however? Well, is it just Meanie, or do they seem rather outlandish indeed?

In any event, as much Meanie does love a good piece of juicy gossip, in this instance, she firmly believes that the rumormongers of the world need to cease and desist. Immediately. These bizarre assumptions are not only unsubstantiated, but moreover, they are probably doing poor Demi quite a lot of harm. What the girl needs now is rest, relaxation, her friends and family, and perhaps some counseling—all of which she seems to be making an effort to get. Besides, kittens: If you had an episode like this, would you want the world accusing you of having a Red Bull addiction? Meanie thought not.

Demi, dear? Meanie wishes you the best! And if Meanie may offer you a word of advice, forget that Ashton cad. He is clearly not worthy of your wonderfulness.

XO,

Mean Betty.